// I knew it.//
I expected it to only be a matter of time before I started hating myself again. Dammit New York, I don’t know why I can’t be happy here.
Today was a perfectly day, and my mind started literally attacking me about how dumb I am, and how fat I am, and how worthless I am. And these are all things YOU made me feel about myself. It’s like no matter how many times I try to run from you, you pull me back. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
I’m so TIRED of feeling like this.
Whenever I’m in Nashville, I actually feel as if I’m falling in love every second of the day, and when I’m here every painful memory comes back haunting me like some bad dream.
I’ve actually started to acquire feelings for someone, and I think that’s what’s hurting. The fact that I’ll be gone in 2 months, and the fact that the feeling of butterflies has absolutely started terrifying me again. It took me so long to stop hurting, and not it’s just all happening all over again. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!
I knew everything is too good to be true.
I don’t want a repeat of last year. I don’t want to get hurt repeatively in a straight line.
Also, something I’ve been keeping inside is that Belmont hasn’t posted the financial aid information yet. I’m terrified. I can’t not go back to Nashville again. My heart will shatter. I’ll become more of a shell then I was last year.
God, please. Just give me my strength and my hope back. I need it.
A year ago from today I was crying myself to sleep almost every night, tonight I’m practically laughing thinking of all the good times I’ve had so far.
I’m so happy last year is in the past.
What a difference a year makes.
// As I sit and watch Glee (I swear this has a point)//
I realize that the day I got my Belmont acceptance letter (both of them) changed my life.
What an amazing adventure it’s been.
// Disregard.//
It took one comment to make me considerably change my mind.
I miss Nashville, and I miss my friends.
Most importantly, I miss being comfortable being myself and who I am.
So, recently I’m finding myself attracted to country music, but maybe it’s just because I’m attracted to this man right here. He’s that whiskey drinking rugged softy and well equipped with the southern charm that I’ve always wanted in a man. However, my love for Blake Shelton is not why I’m here.
After hanging out with my best friend, and opening up about a lot of things with her about last year, I realized how there were a few people that helped me through so much. I was a mess. I was destroyed. I was this walking zombie, that lost every emotion, and I hadn’t been that person in years. I was the eye of the storm waiting to self destruct, but they never once let me. Now, I’m only talking about the friends that stuck with me, the ones that held my hand the whole way through and are still standing there waiting to catch me the next time I stumble and fall. Not the ones that let go.
Sometimes, I’m not sure of my faith. If there’s a God and who He might be, and other times I picture myself having a conversation with God, wondering what’s in store for me. Then I realize, that if there wasn’t a God, I never would’ve made it through everything that I’ve been through, because I’ve been blessed with these people, and without them, well I would still be that shell of a mess. Last year, and the years before when I strayed away off my trail, the times I suffered complete heart ache because I’ve attached myself to one too many careless boys, when my mom died or the times that it hit me that she was gone, or the countless times I was epitome of the Cinderella fairytale. They helped me through each and every mess, and I couldn’t of picked myself up without them. Each of them have reassured me that I am beautiful and more than deserving of everything I want in life in times where my self-esteem is low, and my insecurities are at high.
This is probably more information that is going to be read, or is needed to be revealed but you don’t understand, these people are more than amazing. Every day I have to pinch myself to make sure they are real. I’m completely in love with each of them, and every day I am completely proud and honored to call them my friends and part of my heart. I know God exists through them, because well, He gave me them. And that was more than I could’ve asked for or wanted.
—// New York, New York.//
So, I’ve only been here for about a week, but there’s something in my heart that’s reassuring me that this summer is going to be one to remember. Maybe that feeling will fade as time goes by, but so far, I’m having the time of my life. I started my new job at the New York Botanical Gardens on Monday which is thankfully located close to my house. No more spending most of my time and check just getting to work. So far, I’m really liking it. I actually work with people, haha, so I’m not by myself in a booth, with no break, and a shitty schedule. My co-workers are really awesome, and my managers are assholes. I think I might have a job that I actually like for once. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m actually happy. There’s just something that happened this semester that completely changed me, and I’m not sure what it was. Maybe it’s just the simple fact that I started believing in myself again, I started having faith, I started just realizing that no matter what someone put into my head last year, I AM good enough.
Right now life just seems too good to be true. Usually when I’m in New York, I’m miserable, but that fire from Nashville is still inside of me, and no matter how scared I am that I won’t be able to return again, I know nothing will stop me this time. I don’t know if I belong there, but I know there is something there that will completely change me, and it already has stared too. Anytime the rain falls there and the thunder growls, I get the same chills as I did the first time I stepped foot there. It’s like the change is coming with the storm. The rain hitting my skin and giving me this new sense of purity has always been what has kept me calm, even in the worst of times.
I haven’t been home much because of work, and maybe that’s another reason that I haven’t really minded being here so far, because I’m never really in the house. Really only to sleep. Between classes, and work, this summer I won’t have time to feel sorry for myself.
This summer is going to be more than interesting. I hope.
If I were a dog, this would be me.
(Source: awww-stuff, via sol--solis)
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